Love War: A Fight For Personal Freedom
I find myself at a rough patch. In fact it may just be a fork in the road; at least that's what it feels like. Do I keep commiting myself to things that don't empower me or fully satisfy my needs simply because they meet an immediate and seemingly urgent need? Or do I just throw caution to the wind and stick to my guns - those guns being purpose, integrity, self respect - and risk not having those immediate needs met?
Now, this applies to numerous areas of my life; work, relationships, residency, anything that requires my participation. No matter what decisions I make in life, at the end of the day I have to answer to myself. If I choose to do something that does not honor me, or if I allow myself to show up to environments where I am not appreciated or valued, I have to explain that to myself. I would have to explain why I betrayed myself - and whatever that explanation is, it still wouldn't justify me denying myself that which I deserve and desire.
Metaphorically speaking, the fork in the road I find myself at is marked with a sign that reads: How long will you continue meeting the needs of things that don't meet your needs?
More than a call for reciprocity, I'm realizing the first thing we negotiate in hopes of meeting immediate needs is our freedom. And in the end we find ourselves feeling perpetually imprisoned by these people, places, and things we agreed to in hopes of meeting an immediate need. These things, however, address our needs at such a minimal level they fail to offer any true satisfaction and often create more problems. Most importantly, this kind of life is also lived in a general state of fear.
My only true desire is to live a life that is love filled. A life, filled with the things that I love, lived in spaces in which I am loved . And I know when I am being loved, because I feel free. It's important to understand that we should feel loved in all of our activities, not just romantic relationships and intimate encounters. When I work, when I play, when I eat, when I am in conversation, when I simply breathe; I am to feel empowered, restored, liberated, free.
Clearly if this is a fork in the road - which it is - my decision is made. The challenge that I am experiencing is largely internal, because enough is enough. No matter how much I try to rationalize doing self compromising things in order to meet my seemingly immediate needs, my self just isn't buying it anymore. There's a civil war happening inside of me - anxiety, high emotions, physical symptoms included - something within me has enboldened this fight for freedom and independence. Belief systems and behaviors that fail to empower or provide (as well as people, places, and things that promote these behaviors and belief systems) all have to go.